PoddyPeople

Actually, as many of you know, the single life ain’t nothing great. You just find you have a lot more time on your hands, maybe drink a bit more (loneliness makes me thirsty), and you get in fewer arguments about stupid, stupid, shit. It’s a fact of life right now, just happens to be where I’m at. The strange thing is I catch a lot of bad vibes from my friends who aren’t single. It’s this underlying current of resentment and rage that is constantly being shot at me like some cold war mind ray meant to make me go insane and give up power in Cuba (fucking C.I.A.). Like the terrorists before them, my relationship bound friends hate me for my freedom. I know how it is though, I’ve been in a few long termers, some of them good, some of them rotten, all of them untenable in the end. I know that the imagination of the relationship bound man is a wild and unruly thing, constantly fantasizing about what it’d do if he’d just leave that little lady in the wind. So as a service to all of you guys, you champions, you heroes, you REAL MEN in it for the long haul, I’ve created this bawdy little number. And because it’s the internet I’ve made it “interactive” (all you marketing guys just sprang wood - admit it). What I’d like you to do is write your own verses in the style written below (I don’t know what the name of that style is - limerick, rhyming couplets? Somebody help me out ova heeeya). Just leave your verses in the comments section. My compatriots and I will choose the best verses, and include them in a recording that this guy will make. It’ll probably be live, and at an open mic, so don’t expect any royalties you fucking greed-heads.

Got it? Good. Here’s how it goes (Think Stewie Griffin-3/4 time-Dr. Seussish-40’s era musical, if that helps):

Why you can join a street gang,

or dance nude in the rain

there’s no limit on fun

when there’s no ball and chain.

You can buy sex or sell

you won’t catch any hell

when no ones got dibs

on your pubic hair gel

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(CHORUS) Oh the things that you’ll do when you’re single

you’ll drink and you’ll screw and you’ll mingle

you’ll lay sullen all day - you’ll drink sweet Tanqueray

What a delight it is to be single!

———————————————-

Yes, you can do it in the can

you can do it with a man

you can protest Iraq

Or go bomb Iran

You can do it on the floor

you can do it with a whore

you can yank it so much

that you’re scabby and sore

———————————————-

(CHORUS) Oh the things that you’ll do when you’re single

you’ll drink and you’ll screw and you’ll mingle

you’ll say what you think - take a crap in the sink

What a glory it is to be single!

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Now it’s your turn. Let’s crowd-source the shit out of this beeeyotch. This will be either the lamest shit ever attempted via internet(good chance), or the stuff of open mic legend. Just close your eyes and think - where would I go, who would I bone, what would I do - ’twas it true - I were single.